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Nicci Statham

Human, Not AI

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collaboration

Should Others Communicate Differently?

So…are you willing to accepting others just as they are?

Come and explore how to get aligned with reality.  Find out how you can be in conversations 100% and create the results you want in your leadership.

Join me in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session!  I can’t wait to hear from you…

Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

Bye for now…

Nicci

3 Ways to Question Yourself and Transform Conflict

change your perspective3

We all have conflicts don’t we?  This may be small reactions to what someone’s said or what’s being asked of us or they may be big ongoing disagreements with colleagues, family, friends that have resulted in total disconnection.

I don’t know about you but for me it can be rapid to go from feeling well, happy, content to suddenly – BAM I have a conversation and my back is up.  Someone has said or done something I don’t like or want and I am fuming, complaining, uptight, ranting, moaning and pretty quickly blaming them for what has happened.

This happened for me over the festive break.  I was really enjoying myself getting ready, about to get going with dinner and then I get a phone call.  Oh could you add this…and how about doing dinner like this…and do this…and do that…and actually I don’t want that, I want this.  All this 15mins before I was about to make a start.  I was fuming!

Pretty much straight away I felt my body tense up, my voice become curt and I hear myself agreeing (when I don’t really want to).  Then I hearing myself saying ‘well yes, but all that will take longer’, followed by a load of other no’s and negatives.   Then I don’t quite know what happened but I hear the person on the other end of the phone say in a very frustrated voice ’right, fine see you later’ and that’s it, no niceties, we hang up.  I come off the phone feeling angry, frustrated and wound up.  How could this happen?  This shouldn’t have happened today, how rude, inconsiderate and most of all how demanding of them.  How dare they?!

Then some other family arrive, they already known about the conflict and they are saying this person isn’t coming!  So now I’m getting: because this conflict has happened it has, from their perspective, ruined the day.  Great.  Merry Christmas!!!

To be quite honest, for a moment I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to resolve this so we could all get back to enjoying being together, but at the same time I was fuming.  They should have said all those things, they should have offered support, they should have mentioned all this earlier, they should have said those things differently – they were wrong to behave like that and I am right to be angry about this.

Then it hit me, I am in a position.

This is what happens isn’t it?

We get into our ‘position’ and no way are we going to let them get away with this.  I’m right, your wrong.  This shouldn’t have happened.  Omnipotence.  I am going to defend my position at all costs!

Then it occurred to me that this is a recurring pattern for me and this person.  If we are going to be in conflict, this is generally how we end up.

Then in the next moment I thought NO!  I will not keep this going.  I am not going to do this anymore.  I know different, I have the knowledge and tools to choose a different path.  So I pick up the phone and call back and, before I know it, I am apologising.  I’m saying the truth which is: I do want to  hear what you want, your ideas, your contribution – however I found this difficult, a lot to take at short notice and I heard your requests as a list of demands.

Then, my gosh, the conversation was awesome.  We relay honestly what happened for each of us and I then hear the other person is saying ‘I’m sorry too, I realise it was a lot to say and ask at short notice’ and then we are talking, being real with each other – and it’s not conflict it’s connecting, really connecting.  I feel relived, pleased, empowered and free.

All is well.  And I’m really proud of how we transformed our conflict.

So as conflicts arise think about these 3 things that could transform your perspective:

  • Position – are you in a position, what are you holding onto that the other person had done ‘wrong’?
  • Truth – what’s the truth? Should something different have happened?  With your objective hat on, if you were being less all or nothing about this, what would you see?
  • Omnipotence – are you all seeing and all knowing? Really?  Do you really know how anything or anyone should be…?

The purpose here is to notice and question yourself, even if you are unwilling to get off your position.   Have a go and see what happens.

When you keep your position going, you keep the conflict going.

Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how to break the cycle.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for the Transforming Conflict course that I’m teaching at the end of January.  This is a FREE online taster on Tuesday 19th January 10:30-12:30pm.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

New Year Resolutions – Are you in or out?

smooth sailing3v2

I have been reading lots of articles this week about how only 8% of people keep their new year’s resolutions and, refreshingly, a few about letting go of goals that are not serving us.  Great!  There’s nothing like checking-in to see that goals are still relevant and what we really want.

Being a bit of a purpose connoisseur so to speak (or so I like to think!), there is always something I am noticing and learning about my purpose(s).  Especially how this does or does not keep me on track with my goals.

Having a goal is wonderful however, purpose isn’t just about the final outcome for me.  Purpose is about noticing, getting aligned with reality, course correcting and then choosing again.  And again, and again, and again.  And this can be all within the same goal.  How often do we get into the all or nothingness of a goal?  And how much I wonder does this actually hinder progress, the quality of our experience and the final outcome?

For example, I had a massive project that I kicked off last year.  I mean it’s big – life changingly for myself and others.  So it took a lot for me to step-up, be visible and declare that this is what I am going for.  So I have a clear intention and an emotional attachment if you like to see this project come to fruition.  In hindsight, I realise I went into this with somewhat of an idealist attitude.

In my fantasy this was how it was all going to pan out…everyone is going to be immediately enthusiastic, encouraging and supportive.  They are all going to agree straight away, no one will be negative, no one will say  no, put any blocks in my way, ask me to change my vision etc.  I will hold my first meeting and everyone will be on board, turn up on time, respond to emails when I want them to…and from there it will evolve into this amazing world changing event…la la la…la la la.

Of course what I got was VERY different and quite frankly I found this tough to get past.  A few years ago this would have been a great excuse for me to give up and do something else instead.  I am clear now that I am not going to give up, but to keep my motivation and be willing to keep going is something else.

There is a much bigger picture here too, whatever we are doing with any goal big or small, we will be doing in other goals and areas of our lives.   This is true for me and all of us.

So whether you are changing jobs, creating something new, stepping up, improving fitness or losing a few pounds – how you respond and how you handle setbacks will impact the experience and the outcome.  This is it folks, this is your life.  You choose, always.

So you can course correct and go back in or go into one of my top 5 impossibility responses as a result of your ‘failure’:

  • Beat yourself up – drive yourself to do more harder, faster to make up for your ‘failure’
  • Indulgence – you have failed, any progress is futile, so why not consol yourself with a glass of wine or snack?
  • Resent – complain about how its everybody else fault that this has happened, they need to change or be different so you can be successful
  • Resignation – it’s impossible, it was never going to happen anyway, so you might as well give up right now
  • Denial/minimising – you never meant to go for that anyway, it was obviously unrealistic, better scale back so you don’t look like such a failure

 

OR how about this top 5 instead:

  • Reality check – Stop and review, check-in with yourself. What’s happened, what are the actual barriers?
  • Truth – What is the truth? Have you failed? How do you know you weren’t meant to get to your outcome this way?
  • Possibility – what can you learn from this? Are you willing to forgive yourself?  Even with any barriers you may be experiencing, what is possible if you were to forgive yourself and get back on board?
  • Way forward – what are the options to adjust, change course in light of what’s happened?  Are your setbacks going to require something different and if so, are you willing?

So what will you choose – in or out?  Go back to same habits of dropping or reducing your goal because you now believe it’s impossible OR get back on board with yourself.

Come and explore your goal challenges, in a warm and welcoming environment, get focused and empowered into possibility.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course – on Saturday 16th January 10:30am-12:30pm.

I hope to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

Nicci Statham is an executive coach who specialises in changing behaviour, she is passionate about empowering clients to transform their results through changing their attitude and behaviour.  Follow her on Twitter @awareleadership.

You, no one else, creates what you have in your life.

Fear or Fearlessness?

freedom from fear

Oh my gosh!!!  I’ve had a particularly difficult few weeks working through how to move forward with a certain project that really means a lot to me – and actually is a big contribution to my life purpose.

The challenge has been working in partnership with others who are fundamental to the project’s evolution and delivery.  There has been a lot focus on what’s missing, what people don’t like, what isn’t known, what they think I should be doing and sadly lots of conversation about me rather than with me.

It’s a really tough one isn’t it?  What do we do when our projects go down the road of fear and impossibility?  How can we shift the perspective to be one of possibility, positivity and creativity?

It takes one person to focus on what IS possible, what IS happening, what IS available, what IS wanted…what IS the truth…what IS…what IS…what IS.

So with my project, the truth is I want to create a project where the attitude is that we are FOR each other, we support each with what we don’t know and we pull together to work out a plan that works for all.  I want a team that is enthusiastic, encouraging, open, honest, creative…a team that focuses on possibility rather than fear of what may not work.

For me, this is what is going to create a successful project – the will, the FOR each otherness, the positive energy, the ‘can-do’ approach where we support each other through it all – including the challenges, tough decisions, wins, losses and tears!

And I’m guessing it’s going to challenge for me to stand up for my vision and be in my personal authority about what I do want – whilst keeping open to possibility myself.  Because the truth is there is a lot I don’t know, others may know a better way and they will for sure have lots of ideas that will bring more and more to the ultimate creation and delivery.

So here are some key steps to move from fear to fearless:

  • Share your feedback (your experience) and ask for what you DO want, 100% from the heart
  • Ask yourself how can I model focusing on what IS rather than what ISN’T?
  • Review where you are, is it the ideal time to get into planning or would some team connection/building be beneficial first?
  • Re-group, re-align, re-engage others into your vision of what IS, what you what to create, what the impact on the world will be.

Go for it!!!  You will BE the change you want to see…

Get focused on possibility and what IS on my taster session for the Power of Purpose.  This is a FREE taster event running in Hertfordshire on Wednesday 6th January 4-6pm.

FREE tickets here: FREE Power of Purpose taster – book!

 

 

Are you a Fighter or a Flighter?

fight-or-flight

How often do we as leaders, as soon as we don’t achieve the results we want, look for someone or something to blame?

Blame is all about expressing your ‘No’ to how reality actual is.  Finding the “Who or what did it?” question removes us from the problem, the reality of actually handling it and sometimes even learning from it.

We need only turn on the television to see how blame functions in today’s culture. Each week, millions of viewers tune in to watch many reality TV programmes whose whole premise is to provide a platform for various forms of blame to play out.

In a work context, a culture of blame can put teams in a continuous state of fight-or-flight mode.  In this environment, some might say the Darwinian survival of the fittest takes on new meaning.  The culture is to avoid the being a target rather than focusing of what is possible.  All that precious time that is spent on dodging blame is time that could have been spent really learning something that could transform the end results.

Once we are in the blame game the purpose can become to survive at all costs and sadly this eclipses other possibilities from a leader’s outlook.  They can become so intent on being right or justifying their behaviour that the result they actually wanted in the first place is significantly less likely to be created.  In this scenario they may employ some survival tactics or personas such as:

  • Protection of one’s ‘position’– this could include documenting every conversation, copying oneself on every email, and keeping large files as evidence of one’s actions. Also tactically engaging in communication only if it supports said ‘position’
  • Avoiding reality – not engaging in the actual problem itself.  The reality of what’s not working takes a significant back seat to identifying who is at fault. As a result, chronic problems persist even after “the guilty” have been ‘punished’
  • Fight! – similar to defending one’s ‘position’, this could include engaging sabotage, rumour-spreading, and various other political tactics, all aimed at self-preservation rather than the results the company was actually going for
  • Be in the ‘background’– insulating from blame by withdrawing, and withholding contribution. When something goes wrong, they cover their tracks, and find the nearest foxhole
  • Withholding creativity – not being open to taking the risks necessary to achieve outstanding performance, playing it safe, putting forth minimal effort as not to lose (or be blamed)

The sad news is that these tactics require huge amounts of time, energy, and resources.  The tragic news is these tactics significantly reduce innovation, creativity and motivation.

The fantastic news is that as leaders we can dramatically shift this dynamic by focusing on reality and improvement rather than fault-finding.

The first step to achieving this is simply to change the questions that are employed when things do not go as planned:

A blaming leader/approach might ask…

Who’s in charge of that?

What happened, who missed it?

How can I prove it was not anything to do with me?

How do I shield my department?

How can I avoid embarrassment or not be a target?

 

A learning leader might ask…  

What is the data?

What’s working and what isn’t?

What can we learn to improve/reduce the risk of this reoccurring?

What is the bigger picture here?

What can I take responsibility for?

How would any adjustments fit with our purpose?

 

Leaders who choose to ask the second set of questions create high performing companies in which teams learn from experience, put themselves forward and take personal courage in their contribution.

Those questions empower teams to be accountable in the truest sense of the word – taking responsibility for their part and being part of creating the next steps, giving the best of themselves in the process.

Stepping out of blame does not mean tolerating poor performance, turning one’s back to hard challenges, or avoiding difficult conversations — just the opposite.  It means fearlessly confronting disappointing results and handling the challenges head-on with openness, calm and curiosity.

So the next time you are tempted to go on a fault-finding expedition, take a moment to ask yourself this question:

What behaviours am I role modelling to my team?

Samurai - The Way of the Warrior

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is for us

I wondered this week how the holding of resentment can get in the way of us being the powerful, amazing leaders that we really are.

If we are resenting and judging others for what they did or didn’t do – what does this do to our willingness to build relationships, collaborate and to keep doing so when the going gets tough?

Even if a relationship or partnership doesn’t work out, what happens if we carry around that resentment into our next venture – because of course we’re not going to let that happen again are we? No way.

What is the cost though? Does our resentful behaviour really get us that pay off of superiority, being the victim or many other things that may boost our pseudo self-esteem?

Do we get to avoid being real, honest or even vulnerable ourselves?

The cost of holding onto this type of resentment in leadership, I suggest, may actually keep us from the very thing that we truly want.  And it may relieve us from stepping up our game – and claiming our true amazing capacity as a leader…

magic happens

Your Leadership Is YOU

Amercian Ed Letter Be YOU

I saw this letter via one of my facebook friends and reading this really touched my heart.

Just imagine what a world we would have if every child heard and experienced this truth in their school life.

This reminded me of how unique we all are and therefore how uniquely each of us in our leadership.  You bring something to the party that no-one else can.

I read this brilliant quote today ‘the biggest wall to climb is the one you build in your mind. You do not need a hammer to knock it down…just the will to act’.

 

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