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Nicci Statham

Human, Not AI

Disaster or Discernment?

discernment 1

I realised this week, partly due to the face that I’ve been ill for some of it, that I’m in severe danger of going into overwhelm.  All was going very well, firing on all cylinders and then suddenly I’m ill and off the radar for a few days.  Then all the requests for my time seem to be coming at once.  Straight away my mind starts to go down the…I have to do it all now!…road…

It takes something doesn’t it to stop, notice and say no to staying in this mindset.  And then pops up the old FOMO (fear of missing out), I had that today.  I had booked into an event – and one which may have been great networking for one of the areas than I am passionate about working in.  In my overwhelm I have to go or else I’m never going to get another opportunity – and if I don’t go my mind ultimately has it that I’m going to be a total useless failure.  WoW!

So it sure does take a big part of me to say no to carrying on down that road and trusting that all will be well whatever I choose to do (or not).  This is very common isn’t it?  It can be for me, running from one thing to the next…thinking I can’t miss anything or not get everything done or else something disastrous will happen.  Thing is for me right now, taking care of myself and getting back to 100%…firing on all those cylinders is important.

So here’s a few questions to check-in and check-out those thoughts and assumptions:

  • Priorities – what’s in the mix?  What’s really important and why?  What can wait?
  • Reality – what’s the worst case scenario?  How would you handle it if it happened?
  • Discernment – are all those things really urgent for NOW?  What 3 things can you do next to move one of your priorities forward?  Including the possibility of course correcting deadlines…
  • Support – what support can you ask for, reach out for and put in place to support YOU with all that you are striving for

So next time you your mind is in ‘disaster’ overwhelm, take a moment to check-in with yourself and consider saying no or not now to something so you can say YES to yourself.

Come and explore how to learn life changing tools to release overwhelm, in a warm and welcoming environment, in my FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course.

Join me for an FREE online taster session on Tuesday 29th March 6-8pm.

I’d love to see you there…

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

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Renovate or Resist?

Life is an echo2

I’m teaching one of favourite courses at the moment – The Power of Purpose.  This is a course I am extremely passionate about, the tools have the propensity to completely shift one’s state from limiting fear to open possibility.  This is transforming, both for life and in terms of what each of us creates in the world.

Whenever I am teaching this course my learning is always rich and evoking.  This week I am almost seeing a beauty in how the very thing I am teaching about is being played out in parallel before me in other projects I am working on.

All this has reminded me of a big project I passionately wanted to create a while back – my hope (or as it turned out expectation) was that I would be met with open arms, trust, support, encouragement, acknowledgement – the reality was fear, limits, scarcity, bullying, exclusion.  What a difference!  I’m not suggesting questions or concerns weren’t hugely valuable (or indeed that ultimate outcome wasn’t what was exactly required),however it was the approach and attitude made a huge difference to me.  There was a lot of fear, a lot of focus on what wasn’t enough and how things were had been done in the past.  And there is a ripple effect – that ongoing attitude makes a huge difference to the results for myself and others.

And this difference has an impact on the bigger picture, the longer term results and ultimately sustainability for organisations.

When we operate out of fear our attention will likely be focused on one or more of the following:

  • Holding on tightly – maintaining, protecting something or an ideal which we think will be lost if we let go or embrace something different, especially something more radical
  • Resistance – to the new, different ideas, different paths, anything opposing our ‘ideal’ or current belief about how something should be or look like
  • Saying NO – pushing back, holding onto our ideal at all costs and picking holes in anything outside of this

There is a BIG cost to operating from such a fearful place, such as:

  • Impossibility – through the sheer focusing on what isn’t, openness is narrowed and ultimately willingness to see what is possible outside of what we know
  • Innovation – this requires openness, curiosity, willingness to take risks. How likely is this if we are focused on holding onto an ideal?  How likely are we to get creative and resourceful?
  • Alignment with reality – when we focus on what isn’t and holding onto an ideal we are not aligned with the reality of what IS. Something may not be working, particularly if we are not getting the results we want. We are missing the opportunity to get on with correcting this as our attention is on what
  • Engagement – from others, customers, partners, stakeholders, communities, supporters. How likely is it that others are going to want to be on board with such a fearful (negative) attitude?

I see a parallel … or some call it ‘you reap what you sow’.  I’m not suggesting in any way that there is a perfect approach, just that the approach we take and attitude we give out is reflected back.  Again and again.

So next time your results aren’t what you like them to be, take a moment to think about what you are resisting, saying no to or holding onto tightly.

Check out these 3 reflective questions:

  • Payoff – what do I get from holding onto how I think something should be? Or resisting being open to different ways forward?
  • Truth – what’s my worst case scenario? It is true (100%) that my fear will actually happen?
  • Cost – what is the cost to me and my organisation of holding onto what was? What opportunity may we be missing in the present?

Be curious, be open…see what happens…

Come and explore how to release move your state from fear to creative possibility, in a warm and welcoming environment, in my FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course.

Join me for an FREE online taster session on Wednesday 23rd March 6-8pm.

I’d love to see you there…

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

3 ways to Radically Change Your Results

hope and expect

I’ve been reminded this week at various points how important it is to focus on what IS wanted and what IS working.  This is a challenge eh?  I know this has been challenging for me many, many times.

It can be very easy to get into a complaining cycle, talking and focusing on what isn’t happening, isn’t working or what we don’t like.  Some organisation’s culture are totally based around this behaviour.

Thing is, there’s is a big cost to this and that is your results – and of course the quality of the experience to get there.  That experience more likely will be filled with stress, poor work/life balance and sometimes sleepless nights.

When you spend a large amount of time focusing on the negative, what time are you actually investing in moving forward?  What time are you investing in creating what you do what?  Have you even thought about that?  I was reminded again this week that when we focus on what isn’t happening, there is a danger that there’s actually little clarity about what is wanted – particularly in light of course correcting or changes in context.

How can you create something if you don’t know what it is or how you are going to get there? Different methods work of course for different people, however I do see many clients end up creating the minimum or far less than they are truly capable of.   Just imagine what would be possible if there was more focus on possibility rather than impossibility.

Staying focused in possibility can take a great deal of resilience of course, there may be many setbacks and it sure can be a big challenge to keep the faith and stay on purpose – especially when the road looks very different to expectations.

So 3 ways to shift your focus and your thus your experience:

  • Expectation – what was your expectation? Did this turn into a demand?  Not just the result but your expectation of others and yourself.  Hope is not the same as expectation
  • Switch Focus – focus on what you do want, what is working and what you can put in place to move towards where you want to be. Get aligned with reality and focus on the next step you can make towards your goal
  • Responsibility – what can you take responsibility for in all of it? Are you clearly communicating what you do want?  Is this understood?

Come and explore how to stay focused on your passion, your vision and create the results you really want in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session with me.

I can’t wait to hear from you…

FREE 1:1 coaching discovery session…book here: Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

What’s Your Persona?

all the world is a stage

I was reminded this week in various client sessions how easy it is to get into acting with a ‘persona’ – in or out of the workplace.  There it is…our trusty blanket comes out when there is uncertainty in some shape or form.  Some of mine used to be ‘I’ve got it all sorted’ or ‘look confident’ or ‘be smart’.    One of my biggest was being nice, pleasing and accommodating.  Now I do very much want to accommodate if I can, however something used to get lost in my ‘nice, pleasing and accommodating’ and that was ME.

There are of course many different personas, some may be placating or ‘nice’…others may be more aggressive and out there so to speak.  Be strong, confident, be loud, be first, sound like I know what I’m talking about, be tough, be in control, be nice, make them laugh, be the hero…the list is endless.

Thing is, the persona is essentially faking it – presenting a person that looks like you, sounds like you but is not actually the real you.   What’s going to happen if you are the real you?  What would the consequence be?

As Marianne Williamson said, ‘our fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us’

The persona and maintenance of it can lead to the constant picking holes in ourselves and living a fearful existence.  Sometimes even paranoia, the slightest comment from someone sends us into a spiral of self-doubt and fear about what others think of us.

Trouble is, all this ‘persona’ or fakeness usually entails a severe lack of openness and honesty – and this my friends does really not bode well at all if we want to create and maintain connecting and sustainable relationships.  And the persona will certainly not be a sustainable foundation if you are looking to become a high performing leader or organisation.

It sure can be tough, going into work day after day and ‘performing’.  What about all those other people who seemed to have it licked?  They look so at ease!

I have many clients that have said, ‘if I show any weakness everyone will think I’m not good enough at my job. I have to be strong for my staff’.  Well that’s very admirable to care deeply about one’s staff and the effect on the bigger picture, however when we present a persona we encourage others to do the same.   This, I suggest, in the long run does not support you, the organisation or your staff.   More often than not our personas are based on a range of assumptions that may or may not be true.  When we hide our humanity, we hide reality.

I challenge you to stop and consider the following about your persona(s):

  • What persona am I presenting? – most of us know when we are not being real at any given moment
  • What would happen if you are the real you? – there will likely be a list of consequences that your mind has ready for you
  • Is your list of consequences true? – really? How do you know the future?
  • What payoff are you getting from keeping your persona? – are you hiding out from stepping up or sticking your head above the parapet?

Go on, have a go at being real – at least once a day.  See what happens.

Come and explore how to identify and be the REAL you, more of the time in a FREE 1:1 45 minute coaching discovery session with me.

I can’t wait to hear from you…

FREE 1:1 coaching discovery session…book here: Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

FOMO – Have to or Want to?

wayne dyer...you choose limits

Ding!  An email pops into your inbox – a request, an enquiry – it might be from your colleague, the boss or a potential customer.  Its 6:30pm, you’re just about to have dinner together with your loved ones.  Do you open that email?  Of course you do!  You can’t resist!

Then, dinner is ready so off you go downstairs.  What’s happened though?  Suddenly you’re feeling a little uptight, agitated even and your mind is racing.  The email?!  You’re thinking ‘I have to answer it quickly’, ‘I have to respond’, ‘I have to get this info to them’, ‘I have to…   And then you’re eating you dinner but you’re not really there.  Your loved ones are speaking to you, you can hear yourself making the appropriate noises but you’re not really listening – really you want to get back to respond to that email.  So there you are missing the precious moments of your life with your loved ones because of FOMO – and this happens frequently doesn’t it?

Fear of Missing Out – a very common phenomenon.  Thing is, this is it folks.  That time with your loved ones, you don’t get that back.

A few years ago, I used to almost panic when an email or request arrived in my inbox.  Straight away I’d be thinking…I have to answer it now, I have to give them the right answer or else… I’ll look incompetent, I won’t get the assignment, my boss will think I’m lazy, I won’t be working hard enough, fast enough, I’ll lose my job….the list goes on.

After I took The Power of Purpose in 2010, I realised that actually I don’t have to do anything!!!  I might want to, this however is not the same thing.  This is a very subtle but important difference.  One is a choice, the other is a demand.  The other thing I noticed was that it was me adding on the ‘now’ deadline, not the person who’d sent the email.  AND I could ask for a deadline or indeed offer one.

Oh my gosh I felt SO free!  The awareness I learnt quite frankly freed me from the tyranny and grip that my mind had on me.  It’s not that I don’t still react but now I am more aware of what’s happening and this enables me to make more conscious choices, more of the time – rather than be driven by my unconscious mental demands.  Those demands usually end up with me flitting between tasks and reducing my productivity completely.  Sure, I could miss out on something but what’s the worst that could happen?  Once I think about worst case scenario, the truth is I don’t actually know that this is what will happen anyway.  Likely?  I suspect not.

So when that email pops in, consider:

  1. Who put the deadline on you or them?
  2. What’s the worst case scenario if you don’t respond immediately (or indeed until X?)
  3. What’s the truth – do you HAVE to or do you WANT to?

Come and explore how to release the demands you have on yourself, in a warm and welcoming environment, in my FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course.

Join me for an FREE online taster session on Wednesday 3rd or 10th February 2016 6-8pm.

I’d love to see you there…

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

Connection or Conflict?

mandela drinking poison

I have had some really interesting conversations this week about the Transforming Conflict course I am teaching this week and again in March.

A big part of the emphasis on the course is how easily we can get into blaming others and the resentment that fosters, poisoning our relationships and creating many forms of disconnection and even retaliation.  Then we are in the realm of an eye for an eye – regardless of what or who reacted first.

We can only ever change ourselves, and how we are – how we behave as unique individuals – matters.  I hear lots of different people with great influence talking about others, how they respond, how they behave – that it should be different in some way.  The thing is, when we are in that position – that judgement or omnipotence – we are not necessarily aligned with reality.  We are not aligned with people as they actually are.  We may want them to be different or behave differently but that is not what is actually happening.  So rather than working towards a common solution, we are spending large amounts of time avoiding, blaming, colluding and complaining.

You see, resolving conflicts, disagreements starts with YOU.  You reap what you sow, especially in a leadership role.  And not just as a leader in a work context, as a parent or person in any type of teaching/mentoring/guiding role.

When I did a taster sessions towards the end of last year, there was much discussion about conflicts with colleagues and more so parents of teenage children.  It’s a tough one isn’t it?  How to balance supporting your children to be the best they can be and letting them be independent to find their own way, learning from their own mistakes.

So much of what I heard was parents in a ‘position’.  They ‘should’ do their homework, they ‘should’ choose this or that, they ‘should’ be behaving differently in some way.  Of course they dearly love their children and certainly have more years life experience – however sharing experience and knowledge is very different to DEMANDING that children live their day to day life your way.

The very sad thing is that whilst we continue to INSIST we know better or we insist on something or someone being different – we don’t actually get to hear or be with others as they really are.  We miss asking questions, hearing them and empowering them.  We are so blinded by the drivenness of our position – there is no room to see or have compassion for ‘the other’.  Whether that’s your children, your co-worker, your boss, your neighbour, your partner – the list is endless.  You stay at logger heads, both in a ‘position’.  Neither of you will budge so there nowhere to go but blame, resentment and disconnection.

As Nelson Mandela said ‘resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies’.  The main person who suffers is you.

This matters because you and your contribution in the world matters.  How YOU behave, how YOU respond, how YOU react.  You create your experience and this in turn creates a collective that is put out into the world every second of every day.  This isn’t about any perfect way to behave, it’s about having the courage and willingness to check in with yourself and stay connected with others.

This is what the course is about, learning powerful tools so you can get off your ‘position’.  I know for me this has taken courage, compassion, a willingness to go first, a willingness to be vulnerable and share my fears – and my judgements about others (even ones I dearly love).  But gosh, why wouldn’t you take this opportunity to transform your relationships with your partner, children, boss, relatives, parents, colleagues?  Who doesn’t want more connection in their life and in the world?  This is it!  Your life is happening right now.

The Transforming Conflict course is running Thursday 28th January 10-6pm.  Be courageous!  Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how use transformational tools to break the conflict cycle.

Book Course HERE

OR join me for an FREE online taster session on Tues 26th January 6-7:30pm or Saturday 6th February 10-11:30am.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

Warm wishes….Nicci

3 Ways to Question Yourself and Transform Conflict

change your perspective3

We all have conflicts don’t we?  This may be small reactions to what someone’s said or what’s being asked of us or they may be big ongoing disagreements with colleagues, family, friends that have resulted in total disconnection.

I don’t know about you but for me it can be rapid to go from feeling well, happy, content to suddenly – BAM I have a conversation and my back is up.  Someone has said or done something I don’t like or want and I am fuming, complaining, uptight, ranting, moaning and pretty quickly blaming them for what has happened.

This happened for me over the festive break.  I was really enjoying myself getting ready, about to get going with dinner and then I get a phone call.  Oh could you add this…and how about doing dinner like this…and do this…and do that…and actually I don’t want that, I want this.  All this 15mins before I was about to make a start.  I was fuming!

Pretty much straight away I felt my body tense up, my voice become curt and I hear myself agreeing (when I don’t really want to).  Then I hearing myself saying ‘well yes, but all that will take longer’, followed by a load of other no’s and negatives.   Then I don’t quite know what happened but I hear the person on the other end of the phone say in a very frustrated voice ’right, fine see you later’ and that’s it, no niceties, we hang up.  I come off the phone feeling angry, frustrated and wound up.  How could this happen?  This shouldn’t have happened today, how rude, inconsiderate and most of all how demanding of them.  How dare they?!

Then some other family arrive, they already known about the conflict and they are saying this person isn’t coming!  So now I’m getting: because this conflict has happened it has, from their perspective, ruined the day.  Great.  Merry Christmas!!!

To be quite honest, for a moment I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to resolve this so we could all get back to enjoying being together, but at the same time I was fuming.  They should have said all those things, they should have offered support, they should have mentioned all this earlier, they should have said those things differently – they were wrong to behave like that and I am right to be angry about this.

Then it hit me, I am in a position.

This is what happens isn’t it?

We get into our ‘position’ and no way are we going to let them get away with this.  I’m right, your wrong.  This shouldn’t have happened.  Omnipotence.  I am going to defend my position at all costs!

Then it occurred to me that this is a recurring pattern for me and this person.  If we are going to be in conflict, this is generally how we end up.

Then in the next moment I thought NO!  I will not keep this going.  I am not going to do this anymore.  I know different, I have the knowledge and tools to choose a different path.  So I pick up the phone and call back and, before I know it, I am apologising.  I’m saying the truth which is: I do want to  hear what you want, your ideas, your contribution – however I found this difficult, a lot to take at short notice and I heard your requests as a list of demands.

Then, my gosh, the conversation was awesome.  We relay honestly what happened for each of us and I then hear the other person is saying ‘I’m sorry too, I realise it was a lot to say and ask at short notice’ and then we are talking, being real with each other – and it’s not conflict it’s connecting, really connecting.  I feel relived, pleased, empowered and free.

All is well.  And I’m really proud of how we transformed our conflict.

So as conflicts arise think about these 3 things that could transform your perspective:

  • Position – are you in a position, what are you holding onto that the other person had done ‘wrong’?
  • Truth – what’s the truth? Should something different have happened?  With your objective hat on, if you were being less all or nothing about this, what would you see?
  • Omnipotence – are you all seeing and all knowing? Really?  Do you really know how anything or anyone should be…?

The purpose here is to notice and question yourself, even if you are unwilling to get off your position.   Have a go and see what happens.

When you keep your position going, you keep the conflict going.

Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how to break the cycle.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for the Transforming Conflict course that I’m teaching at the end of January.  This is a FREE online taster on Tuesday 19th January 10:30-12:30pm.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

New Year Resolutions – Are you in or out?

smooth sailing3v2

I have been reading lots of articles this week about how only 8% of people keep their new year’s resolutions and, refreshingly, a few about letting go of goals that are not serving us.  Great!  There’s nothing like checking-in to see that goals are still relevant and what we really want.

Being a bit of a purpose connoisseur so to speak (or so I like to think!), there is always something I am noticing and learning about my purpose(s).  Especially how this does or does not keep me on track with my goals.

Having a goal is wonderful however, purpose isn’t just about the final outcome for me.  Purpose is about noticing, getting aligned with reality, course correcting and then choosing again.  And again, and again, and again.  And this can be all within the same goal.  How often do we get into the all or nothingness of a goal?  And how much I wonder does this actually hinder progress, the quality of our experience and the final outcome?

For example, I had a massive project that I kicked off last year.  I mean it’s big – life changingly for myself and others.  So it took a lot for me to step-up, be visible and declare that this is what I am going for.  So I have a clear intention and an emotional attachment if you like to see this project come to fruition.  In hindsight, I realise I went into this with somewhat of an idealist attitude.

In my fantasy this was how it was all going to pan out…everyone is going to be immediately enthusiastic, encouraging and supportive.  They are all going to agree straight away, no one will be negative, no one will say  no, put any blocks in my way, ask me to change my vision etc.  I will hold my first meeting and everyone will be on board, turn up on time, respond to emails when I want them to…and from there it will evolve into this amazing world changing event…la la la…la la la.

Of course what I got was VERY different and quite frankly I found this tough to get past.  A few years ago this would have been a great excuse for me to give up and do something else instead.  I am clear now that I am not going to give up, but to keep my motivation and be willing to keep going is something else.

There is a much bigger picture here too, whatever we are doing with any goal big or small, we will be doing in other goals and areas of our lives.   This is true for me and all of us.

So whether you are changing jobs, creating something new, stepping up, improving fitness or losing a few pounds – how you respond and how you handle setbacks will impact the experience and the outcome.  This is it folks, this is your life.  You choose, always.

So you can course correct and go back in or go into one of my top 5 impossibility responses as a result of your ‘failure’:

  • Beat yourself up – drive yourself to do more harder, faster to make up for your ‘failure’
  • Indulgence – you have failed, any progress is futile, so why not consol yourself with a glass of wine or snack?
  • Resent – complain about how its everybody else fault that this has happened, they need to change or be different so you can be successful
  • Resignation – it’s impossible, it was never going to happen anyway, so you might as well give up right now
  • Denial/minimising – you never meant to go for that anyway, it was obviously unrealistic, better scale back so you don’t look like such a failure

 

OR how about this top 5 instead:

  • Reality check – Stop and review, check-in with yourself. What’s happened, what are the actual barriers?
  • Truth – What is the truth? Have you failed? How do you know you weren’t meant to get to your outcome this way?
  • Possibility – what can you learn from this? Are you willing to forgive yourself?  Even with any barriers you may be experiencing, what is possible if you were to forgive yourself and get back on board?
  • Way forward – what are the options to adjust, change course in light of what’s happened?  Are your setbacks going to require something different and if so, are you willing?

So what will you choose – in or out?  Go back to same habits of dropping or reducing your goal because you now believe it’s impossible OR get back on board with yourself.

Come and explore your goal challenges, in a warm and welcoming environment, get focused and empowered into possibility.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course – on Saturday 16th January 10:30am-12:30pm.

I hope to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

Nicci Statham is an executive coach who specialises in changing behaviour, she is passionate about empowering clients to transform their results through changing their attitude and behaviour.  Follow her on Twitter @awareleadership.

You, no one else, creates what you have in your life.

Transforming Conflict into Connection

affect change by self transformation

Come and explore how you can transform your blaming and complaining in my Transforming Conflict Taster Session on Friday 8th January 10am-12pm.  Book a FREE Place Here

We will look at how to identify and change the behaviours that fuel conflict, find a different way to be and create a different connecting result.

Hope to see you there!

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