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Nicci Statham

Human, Not AI

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Leadership Trust

3 Courageous Steps to Reducing Your Negative Voice

20-seconds-of-bravery

I’ve been reminded in the last few weeks how much I really don’t know.  I’ve been reminded how important it is not to make assumptions or indeed let my ‘negative voice’ dictate my behaviour.  I truly do not know what someone is going to say or how they are going to react.  I mean it makes sense, how could I?  I who I am and they are who they are – I cannot read other’s minds.

I have had many conversations over the past 6-8 weeks about courses I’m teaching and about coaching.  Many conversations, not about what I’m offering per se but about individuals lives, roles and what they are wanting to change or develop in their leadership.  I’m grateful as I sit typing this that these are the conversations I get to have most of the time – transforming, empowering conversations that sometimes in themselves have many insights for me and others.

I realised after three conversations this week (where I was extremely doubtful of getting the outcome I wanted) how massively important it is not to listen to my ‘negative voice’.  I was fearful enough that I seriously considered not even asking the question that I really wanted to ask.  This was because of course my negative voice’s commentary had already started:  ‘They won’t be interested’, ‘They will say no or not now, ‘They will say I can’t afford it or I can’t do the dates’…and I will be left disappointed, de-motivated and resigned to the fact I have to do more to engage more people.

Well what I actually did was I decided that I can connect, listen, ask the questions I want to ask and see what happens.  And then my friends I was shocked!  All 3 people just said yes!  And now I am thrilled – for them, for me and for the difference this will make to leadership in the world.

So my question to you is…where do you hold back, avoid asking the question you really want to ask?

Have a go at these 3 Courageous Steps:

  • Listen In – to your negative voice…what assumptions are you making about what may or may not happen? About how someone may respond?
  • Check-In – with those assumptions…how do you really know what that person will say or what the future holds? When in the past has someone said something you didn’t expect?
  • Be Curious – and courageous, take a deep breath and ask that question! You never know…none of us do…trust, be open…see what happens.  And if you get a response you don’t want… is it likely you will handle it?

Learn how to increase your willingness to be courageous, get past your ‘negative voice’ and put yourself forward.  Step In, Step Up in your Leadership.  And learn the tools to keep this going for yourself, for the rest of your life.

Come and join me in a warm and empowering environment, in my online taster session for The Power of Self Esteem course.

Taster sessions are on Wednesday’s 28th September or 5th or 12th October 6-7:30pm.

I’d love to see you there…

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Self Esteem

Nicci Statham is an executive coach who specialises in changing behaviour, she is passionate about empowering clients to transform their results through changing their attitude and behaviour.  Follow her on Twitter @awareleadership.

 

Should Others Communicate Differently?

So…are you willing to accepting others just as they are?

Come and explore how to get aligned with reality.  Find out how you can be in conversations 100% and create the results you want in your leadership.

Join me in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session!  I can’t wait to hear from you…

Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

Bye for now…

Nicci

Are you in 100%

100% commitment

We all like to have a good rant don’t we?  Especially at work – sometimes there can be a whole sub-culture which bonds people in the workplace or in a network.  How we love complaining about the process, how others shouldn’t have behaved, how different things should be.

My question is – who knows how anything or anyone should be?

In leadership, as a business leader or owner, complaining can have a serious impact on you and your team’s engagement.  Focusing on complaining and largely having a big fat NO to how things and others are, can seriously affect your time and alignment with your purpose – and ultimately this affects your results.

Of course sharing your thoughts and feelings is essential and this is an important part of connecting, discerning and collaborating; especially for the purpose of improving or developing.  However there is a big difference between stepping forward to assertively be heard and passively complaining or colluding.

I realised this week that as I wanted to create a big difference in my results – naturally this will require a big difference in what it is going to take to get there.  Change behaviour, change the result right?

I have had a tendency in the past to agree to a new commitment and then spend a time complaining because it isn’t how I want it to be.  This attitude and behaviour can seriously affect my results.  Whilst I’m using my vital energy and time complaining I’m not engaging 100%.  I’m focused on my complaints, not my goal.

This challenge is a topic that frequently comes up with clients in their leadership.  Which one are you focused on?

  • Alignment with Reality – it is how it is. We can get aligned with this, be present to what is and go for creating our desired result.  Be in 100%.  Or indeed choose a different path;

Or

  • Disengagement in Leadership – we are focused on what isn’t, what should be different and what we don’t like. Our result = dissatisfaction, resentment, valuable time and attention is away from our desired result.

This reminds me of the music industry years ago.  I remember a large amount of complaining about illegal downloading and how online companies shouldn’t be doing what they were doing.  This went on for some considerable time.  The cost was huge amounts of time and energy was spent on complaining – rather than realigning with the reality that the way people accessed music was significantly changing.  The industry was seriously on the back foot in bringing about new ways of marketing and selling music and lost a lot of profit as a result.

So…are you in 100%?

Come and explore how to identify and get aligned with reality.  Find out how you can be in 100% and create the results you want in your leadership.

Join me in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session!  I can’t wait to hear from you…

Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

3 Ways to a Bigger Purpose

dont play small

I’ve been working on a project for the last few months and a lot has happened in that time – especially the last few weeks.  I have been learning a massive amount for myself in my own leadership and what it takes to create energy, motivation and ultimately results.

I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday about my own purpose with this project.  This was HUGE to for me!!  I’d been noticing that there was a ‘stuckness’ of some kind in me, there was something about this project that I was missing, that I didn’t feel connected to.  I realised after some coaching that I didn’t have a bigger purpose for myself – and this may be affecting my and my team’s engagement.  How could create more engagement in my team if they didn’t know what they were getting on board with?

So I started to ask myself questions…what was I really going for in leading this project?  Yes I had clarity about the ‘result’ but what was the bigger purpose for me in WHY I chosen to lead it.  This mattered because I was playing small – I’d been ‘going along’ with what others wanted, I’d been filling in gaps rather than stepping up to lead as ME with my vision and leading from the front.  And so my team were doing the same, ticking boxes rather than stepping up and going for what they wanted for themselves – and going for the bigger benefits that the project would deliver.

This made me realise too that I do have a clear bigger purpose with my business, the work I choose to do and how I choose to be when doing it.

So I thought I’d share with you my bigger purpose ‘hot off the press!’ as it were…for myself I am learning and developing my visibility, boldness and my authenticity – to enable me to live the life I want to live and be ALIVE and free while I am living it!!

For the business leaders and owners that I work with: I want them to be empowered, more authentic, open, honest, collaborative and more ‘we are in this together’ with their stakeholders, peers, teams.

And I want this for leaders because I want to see leadership in our world which is less separating…more open, transparent, creative, empowered, authentic.  Because this creates, high performing organisations where individuals and teams are empowered to learn, grow and bring the best of themselves to their organisations.  AND all this matters and contributes to how we experience our lives, how we grow our economy, how we connect in our world every day.

So, step back and take time to consider and reflect on your bigger purpose:

  • What’s Your Purpose – for you in your leadership, your team(s) and your organisation?
  • Communicate – how can you communicate your vision and purpose so others can be alongside you and get on board?
  • Living It – how can you live your purpose? How can you BE and what can you put in place to be living and working towards the projects that are going to create your purpose?   What are you going to commit to?

Don’t play small…open up your platform to play a bigger game…

Come and explore how to define, communicate and live your purpose in your organisation in a FREE 1:1 45 minute discovery session with me.  What are you waiting for?

I can’t wait to hear from you…

FREE 1:1 coaching discovery session…book here: Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

3 Ways to Expand Your Limits

expand your limit1

I had a physiotherapy appointment last week to review my progress and something very unexpected happened!  An epiphany!!

My physiotherapist and I were chatting about the level of pain I was having and how this was better or worse since I’d been doing my physio exercises.  I was explaining that I’d been doing yoga the night before and I’d started to get uncomfortable pain so I’d pulled back and hadn’t completed some of the yoga activities.  My physiotherapist said, ‘so you stop when you get pain?’ and we carried discussing how I normally handle that.

Then my physiotherapist started to explain that some pain was good, and that I woundn’t damage my body by having some pain.  He also explained that going slightly beyond pain that each time would enable my current physical limit to be expanded.

Well…a light bulb went off in my head!!  I thought YES I am limiting myself because when I feel discomfort/pain or what I judge as ‘too much’, I become fearful I will damage my body – so I stop.  Then I pondered a very important question…where else do I do this in my life?  Where else, when I reach my ‘comfortable’ level of discomfort, do I pull back?

This was an extremely exciting observation for me and since then I’ve been intrigued.  As I result I have been actively practising being with my ‘discomfort’.  How often in our work and personal lives do we pull back, disconnect or avoid if we are out of our comfort zone?  Will this ultimately limit personal and leadership development?

In the case of my physio, this is actually really important because to reach improved resilience and strength my body needs to go beyond its current limits.

So consider these 3 things to question and expand your limits:

  • Discomfort – what makes you uncomfortable and what would it take to move beyond this discomfort?
  • Truth – what are you fearful will happen if you move beyond your current comfort level, what’s worse case scenario?  Is this true, really?
  • Next Step – What is 1 thing you could do to practise stepping beyond your current limit?

Come and explore how to get beyond your current limits in a FREE online preview for The Power of Purpose course with me on Wednesday 27th April 6:30-8pm.  You will be encouraged to explore where your current limits are and how this is affecting your results.

Change your behaviour, change your results…Go on, take a risk!

FREE Online Preview…book here: Book FREE Power of Purpose Preview

What’s Your Persona?

all the world is a stage

I was reminded this week in various client sessions how easy it is to get into acting with a ‘persona’ – in or out of the workplace.  There it is…our trusty blanket comes out when there is uncertainty in some shape or form.  Some of mine used to be ‘I’ve got it all sorted’ or ‘look confident’ or ‘be smart’.    One of my biggest was being nice, pleasing and accommodating.  Now I do very much want to accommodate if I can, however something used to get lost in my ‘nice, pleasing and accommodating’ and that was ME.

There are of course many different personas, some may be placating or ‘nice’…others may be more aggressive and out there so to speak.  Be strong, confident, be loud, be first, sound like I know what I’m talking about, be tough, be in control, be nice, make them laugh, be the hero…the list is endless.

Thing is, the persona is essentially faking it – presenting a person that looks like you, sounds like you but is not actually the real you.   What’s going to happen if you are the real you?  What would the consequence be?

As Marianne Williamson said, ‘our fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us’

The persona and maintenance of it can lead to the constant picking holes in ourselves and living a fearful existence.  Sometimes even paranoia, the slightest comment from someone sends us into a spiral of self-doubt and fear about what others think of us.

Trouble is, all this ‘persona’ or fakeness usually entails a severe lack of openness and honesty – and this my friends does really not bode well at all if we want to create and maintain connecting and sustainable relationships.  And the persona will certainly not be a sustainable foundation if you are looking to become a high performing leader or organisation.

It sure can be tough, going into work day after day and ‘performing’.  What about all those other people who seemed to have it licked?  They look so at ease!

I have many clients that have said, ‘if I show any weakness everyone will think I’m not good enough at my job. I have to be strong for my staff’.  Well that’s very admirable to care deeply about one’s staff and the effect on the bigger picture, however when we present a persona we encourage others to do the same.   This, I suggest, in the long run does not support you, the organisation or your staff.   More often than not our personas are based on a range of assumptions that may or may not be true.  When we hide our humanity, we hide reality.

I challenge you to stop and consider the following about your persona(s):

  • What persona am I presenting? – most of us know when we are not being real at any given moment
  • What would happen if you are the real you? – there will likely be a list of consequences that your mind has ready for you
  • Is your list of consequences true? – really? How do you know the future?
  • What payoff are you getting from keeping your persona? – are you hiding out from stepping up or sticking your head above the parapet?

Go on, have a go at being real – at least once a day.  See what happens.

Come and explore how to identify and be the REAL you, more of the time in a FREE 1:1 45 minute coaching discovery session with me.

I can’t wait to hear from you…

FREE 1:1 coaching discovery session…book here: Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

FOMO – Have to or Want to?

wayne dyer...you choose limits

Ding!  An email pops into your inbox – a request, an enquiry – it might be from your colleague, the boss or a potential customer.  Its 6:30pm, you’re just about to have dinner together with your loved ones.  Do you open that email?  Of course you do!  You can’t resist!

Then, dinner is ready so off you go downstairs.  What’s happened though?  Suddenly you’re feeling a little uptight, agitated even and your mind is racing.  The email?!  You’re thinking ‘I have to answer it quickly’, ‘I have to respond’, ‘I have to get this info to them’, ‘I have to…   And then you’re eating you dinner but you’re not really there.  Your loved ones are speaking to you, you can hear yourself making the appropriate noises but you’re not really listening – really you want to get back to respond to that email.  So there you are missing the precious moments of your life with your loved ones because of FOMO – and this happens frequently doesn’t it?

Fear of Missing Out – a very common phenomenon.  Thing is, this is it folks.  That time with your loved ones, you don’t get that back.

A few years ago, I used to almost panic when an email or request arrived in my inbox.  Straight away I’d be thinking…I have to answer it now, I have to give them the right answer or else… I’ll look incompetent, I won’t get the assignment, my boss will think I’m lazy, I won’t be working hard enough, fast enough, I’ll lose my job….the list goes on.

After I took The Power of Purpose in 2010, I realised that actually I don’t have to do anything!!!  I might want to, this however is not the same thing.  This is a very subtle but important difference.  One is a choice, the other is a demand.  The other thing I noticed was that it was me adding on the ‘now’ deadline, not the person who’d sent the email.  AND I could ask for a deadline or indeed offer one.

Oh my gosh I felt SO free!  The awareness I learnt quite frankly freed me from the tyranny and grip that my mind had on me.  It’s not that I don’t still react but now I am more aware of what’s happening and this enables me to make more conscious choices, more of the time – rather than be driven by my unconscious mental demands.  Those demands usually end up with me flitting between tasks and reducing my productivity completely.  Sure, I could miss out on something but what’s the worst that could happen?  Once I think about worst case scenario, the truth is I don’t actually know that this is what will happen anyway.  Likely?  I suspect not.

So when that email pops in, consider:

  1. Who put the deadline on you or them?
  2. What’s the worst case scenario if you don’t respond immediately (or indeed until X?)
  3. What’s the truth – do you HAVE to or do you WANT to?

Come and explore how to release the demands you have on yourself, in a warm and welcoming environment, in my FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course.

Join me for an FREE online taster session on Wednesday 3rd or 10th February 2016 6-8pm.

I’d love to see you there…

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

3 Ways to Question Yourself and Transform Conflict

change your perspective3

We all have conflicts don’t we?  This may be small reactions to what someone’s said or what’s being asked of us or they may be big ongoing disagreements with colleagues, family, friends that have resulted in total disconnection.

I don’t know about you but for me it can be rapid to go from feeling well, happy, content to suddenly – BAM I have a conversation and my back is up.  Someone has said or done something I don’t like or want and I am fuming, complaining, uptight, ranting, moaning and pretty quickly blaming them for what has happened.

This happened for me over the festive break.  I was really enjoying myself getting ready, about to get going with dinner and then I get a phone call.  Oh could you add this…and how about doing dinner like this…and do this…and do that…and actually I don’t want that, I want this.  All this 15mins before I was about to make a start.  I was fuming!

Pretty much straight away I felt my body tense up, my voice become curt and I hear myself agreeing (when I don’t really want to).  Then I hearing myself saying ‘well yes, but all that will take longer’, followed by a load of other no’s and negatives.   Then I don’t quite know what happened but I hear the person on the other end of the phone say in a very frustrated voice ’right, fine see you later’ and that’s it, no niceties, we hang up.  I come off the phone feeling angry, frustrated and wound up.  How could this happen?  This shouldn’t have happened today, how rude, inconsiderate and most of all how demanding of them.  How dare they?!

Then some other family arrive, they already known about the conflict and they are saying this person isn’t coming!  So now I’m getting: because this conflict has happened it has, from their perspective, ruined the day.  Great.  Merry Christmas!!!

To be quite honest, for a moment I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to resolve this so we could all get back to enjoying being together, but at the same time I was fuming.  They should have said all those things, they should have offered support, they should have mentioned all this earlier, they should have said those things differently – they were wrong to behave like that and I am right to be angry about this.

Then it hit me, I am in a position.

This is what happens isn’t it?

We get into our ‘position’ and no way are we going to let them get away with this.  I’m right, your wrong.  This shouldn’t have happened.  Omnipotence.  I am going to defend my position at all costs!

Then it occurred to me that this is a recurring pattern for me and this person.  If we are going to be in conflict, this is generally how we end up.

Then in the next moment I thought NO!  I will not keep this going.  I am not going to do this anymore.  I know different, I have the knowledge and tools to choose a different path.  So I pick up the phone and call back and, before I know it, I am apologising.  I’m saying the truth which is: I do want to  hear what you want, your ideas, your contribution – however I found this difficult, a lot to take at short notice and I heard your requests as a list of demands.

Then, my gosh, the conversation was awesome.  We relay honestly what happened for each of us and I then hear the other person is saying ‘I’m sorry too, I realise it was a lot to say and ask at short notice’ and then we are talking, being real with each other – and it’s not conflict it’s connecting, really connecting.  I feel relived, pleased, empowered and free.

All is well.  And I’m really proud of how we transformed our conflict.

So as conflicts arise think about these 3 things that could transform your perspective:

  • Position – are you in a position, what are you holding onto that the other person had done ‘wrong’?
  • Truth – what’s the truth? Should something different have happened?  With your objective hat on, if you were being less all or nothing about this, what would you see?
  • Omnipotence – are you all seeing and all knowing? Really?  Do you really know how anything or anyone should be…?

The purpose here is to notice and question yourself, even if you are unwilling to get off your position.   Have a go and see what happens.

When you keep your position going, you keep the conflict going.

Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how to break the cycle.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for the Transforming Conflict course that I’m teaching at the end of January.  This is a FREE online taster on Tuesday 19th January 10:30-12:30pm.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

Transforming Conflict into Connection

affect change by self transformation

Come and explore how you can transform your blaming and complaining in my Transforming Conflict Taster Session on Friday 8th January 10am-12pm.  Book a FREE Place Here

We will look at how to identify and change the behaviours that fuel conflict, find a different way to be and create a different connecting result.

Hope to see you there!

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